Im back.
Updates Updates Updates. Ive decided to get over my pride. Ive pretty much explained this theory of mine to everyone but you, so here goes.
im not over it. its pathetic and its disgusting and its ridiculous but im not. im not im not im not. day i think about it. i dont regret it, but i just think about it. think about them. think about what they must be thinking think about whether hes over it think about it all. and thats just not right. honestly speaking i dont give a fuck about him anymore.. but shahbano is a different story. i cant go on keeping a grudge against her. fine, she did something 'unforgivable' and sick and totally wrong.. but i mean. how long can i keep this up? how long could the 'cold war' last. it cant. and ive forgiven her, i have. then why do i still refuse to acknowledge her or speak to her? its because my pride gets in the way. thats why.
so i thought. screw it all. i dont care who thinks what of me. im sure theyll be all omg why the hell is she talking to her is she retarded wow shes so pathetic. but i dont care. i dont give a shit. i dont like the fact that ive left things hanging in the air like that and ive moved. its made it all SO awkward. i thought id be happy. i thought: good riddance. but now i think, how could i have just left without clearing the air. it just doesnt feel right. so i made the effort. i messaged. i chatted. i scrapped. i emailed. i got in touch. because i have forgiven her and ive forgiven myself. its time to end it.
people say to me: never forget the past or the people in it, because theres a reason they didnt make it to the present.
and i lived by that. i thought, wow. that is so true. and i used that as an excuse to avoid her. but i dont want to avoid her anymore. i miss her. of all the fucking people in the whole wide world i miss shahbano khan. a girl who stabbed me in the back and the lied to me about it. a girl that everyone bitched about. i miss her. because once upon a time, she was my friend. once upon a time, we got along. once upon a time i trusted her and loved her and called her one of my best friends. and now i miss her. and im damn proud of the fact that i made the freakin effort.
its true, theres a reason the past didnt make it to your present. the reason d didnt make it to my present is because he was a fucking bastard who thought he knew my inside out. and he was a person who didnt make the effort to stay in touch.. shahbano is a different story. shahbano is in my past because i didnt make the effort. because she did. and i didnt.
now - the ball's in her court. i did my part. i did whatever the hell i thought was right and if she doesnt want to then i really dont mind. because now, now i can say that hell yeah. i made the effort. and that is all that counts.
- scumbag.